Day #134: The Race is On, but Sometimes One Must Stand Still

Today I ran five miles. It was extremely humid and I have not (for whatever reason) had my best runs this week…my heart is full of emotions about my present life and my mind is in overdrive with everything that has to be done (but more about that at a later date).

This slow, determined, measured run reminded me of my life right now. I am feeling overwhelmed which generally makes me feel less motivated…with every new bill, project, and responsibility that stacks up, I dig a little further back into myself. I guess this is where the introvert comes out in me…

I’m working hard to break down the huge into small steps…trying to take a few each day…but the race seems to be running in all directions and I stand paralyzed with indecision about which way to go…

The gun has sounded though…and so begins my slow, determined stride…hopefully in the right direction! 

Day #133: Time Makes a Fool of All of Us

April Fools…sometimes I truly feel like life is one big joke…you invest so much in this space in time…and then it’s gone…

A marriage…

A child…

A job…

In living present one gives all they have to the day…and it’s beautiful and vibrant and so much more authentic that way…

But every once in a while I mourn the days gone by…the people who have walked in and out…the baby that has blossomed into girl…every so often I resent the time and energy “wasted” on ideals that didn’t pan out and loves that fizzled…and today I feel terrified at how time goes so quickly and can never be retrieved…how the next twenty will go fast than the last…

I’m incredibly thankful for this scientific miracle of my own creation…for this one opportunity to exist…to be in this space with 7 billion others at this time…but damn, does it have to be such a short stay?

So much more to do, my dear friend!

Blonde girl with victorious, clenched-fists holding a rewards card.
How fast they grow.

Day #132: Sometimes You Run Outta Gas

My body is so tired and I am tired of being tired…

It’s been a marathon kinda day…worked twelve hours and most of it involved talking…I am out of words, out of internal resources…even out of pictures…

I’m getting ready, once my little love is snug as a bug in a rug, to cuddle in my warm bed with my soft pjs. Good book in hand, hot tea in the other, I will salvage what little personal time is left in this day and then I plan to pass out…

Good night, my gentle readers

Day 131: Mini-mini-vaca

Spring is here!
Most awesome dessert ever!
Only done right around a campfire!
Ready for their gooey goodness!
Even little love loves them!
Spring is my favorite!

Blonde girl grinning with a half-eaten Smore on the plate.
An unexpected dinner with Craig’s sister around the camp fire was an amazing way to spend the evening. Everything is blooming, the sun is hanging around longer, and the river was so peaceful. We played frisbee and colored with chalk. We visited and ate outside close to the fire. It was like a mini-mini-vaca…I just felt alive and thankful to be there.

The sun peeking through a Bradford Pear tree.

Days 120-130: Spring Break and Big Decisions

It’s been a crazy mixed up world the last week or so…I went to my training and we endured a very anxious, very whiny six year old the whole time we were in Little Rock. Then we went to Magnolia to visit family for a few days…it was a roller coaster of a time due mostly to heavy decisions that needed to be made. We came back to Fort Smith and little love was off to her dad for a few days. I worked on papers and notes and cleaned her closet…and did other meaningless but entirely necessary tasks (i.e., the laundry). On Sunday, little love re-entered our world.

A run girl sleeping among a mountain of white blankets.

It was a tough day for me.

I had to tell her father that a decision had been made without him regarding his daughter. I have enough empathy in me that my heart is sad about this. Although he and I were not a good match for the long haul, I know he loves his daughter. It’s a terribly rough moment to look someone in the eye and say,”I’m taking the thing you love best…”

And here we stand in mid-step…seasons changing…confused order…beautiful chaos…

I am trying my hardest to flow and not control…I once had a friend describe these types of moments as a snow globe…it’s like being shaken and just watching all your life’s details float down around you…you hope they land well…and honestly, so far, they have…details are coming together…pleasant surprises have popped up…and love has been all around…

Purple pansies and tulips in a barrel with a watering can in the background.

It’s Sunday evening and as I walk into the house to share a meal with some of my most loved people, I notice my winter pansies dancing around my graceful spring tulips and I smile. Seasons are always changing and they are all beautiful…

 

We are moving and it’s all going to be okay.

Day 119: Sometimes the Inner Voice is a Bitch

It’s Wednesday and I have a big weekend ahead. We are leaving tomorrow after school for Little Rock. Which means I need to get things washed and packed and bought and organized and and and…

So I went running instead. It was again cold and wet so we went to the gym. I started on the treadmill but immediately felt my calf muscles knot. I tried running through it but a mile in I was still in a lot of pain so I hopped on the track. I hobbled through the next mile but eventually the pain subsided to a dull ache. But today I figured out something very exciting, I can listen to audible books when I run!

I’m a book nerd at heart so it as beautiful to get immersed in a story (actually a rather funny memoir) while I did my laps.

She talked in the book about the demon who comes to live with us all at some point. You know that says you are never enough, you are too much of something, or you will fail…

It made me wonder when that voice started for me…I control that voice pretty well and have for as long as I can remember not because I’m awesome but because I find self-loathing unproductive. I’m rather type-A, so most things require a logical, concrete outcome for me to be too interested. But occasionally I indulge in my own inner critic. It usually sounds something like “You should eat healthier, live with less of a foot print, be a better mother.” “You could be a better therapist, spend your money wiser, be skinnier.”

Oh the list that never ends…

But really, then what, would it ever be enough for this world? This voice in my head? My own expectations? Probably not…nodefinitely not.

So again I find my self left with only me, with only this moment…six miles strong and one silly secret smile…

Woman in blue with hat pulled down over eyes and a sly smile.Blonde-colored dog curled up sleeping in a deck chair.

Day #118: St. Patty’s Day

Today is St. Patrick’s Day

All this really means to me is that I should wear green so I don’t get pinched.

But I am a celebrator by nature. Any reason to embrace a day as special, to mark it with joy and set apart as fun. I love fun

Potato salad with paprika and a Reuben sandwich in the background.So we wore green and ate Reubens for lunch and cupcakes with green sprinkles. And I felt lucky today. Lucky to spend the day with my Love, lucky to enjoy the sun and beautiful day, lucky to be alive and in these moments.

So maybe it takes an obscure holiday to remind me that enjoying the “luck of the Irish” is really just appreciating the luck of being human.

I cross trained today and thought about my body. I have a love/hate relationship with it. I have been impressed with how far it has taken me. I have been happy to see it trimming up and getting stronger. But I still look in the mirror and finding glaring imperfection. And damn, that’s hard on a perfectionist. But it is what’s makes me superbly human, it’s what makes space for my grand adventures. It runs me miles, and grew a little human, and attracts my Love. And it is mine

St. Patty's Day cupcakes.

This led me to the next thought of why we put so much emphasis on our physical appearance. Almost every person I know is stressed to one degree or another about how they look. It’s weird to me that we put so much stock in something that tells us so little about the quality of a person. Something to think on, my lovelies.

But body aside, I am one lucky girl and I love taking this day and everyday to remember that and then celebrate it!

Day #117: Obey the Run-Master

Today I feel like a slave to the run-master. I feel my life revolves around miles and workouts, gym clothes and hydration. I feel like I spend every day looking for GUs, headphones, hats, and clean socks. I feel hungry all the time, tired most of the time, and sore all the times in between. I feel like I am constantly reading about running, talking about running, or, you guessed it, running.

This is not entirely a bad thing. While I sometimes get overwhelmed with the technicalities of it, sometimes bored with the repetition of it, and occasionally frustrated with the difficulty of it. I always feel proud and strong and clear-headed after a good run. I sometimes feel like I’ve got the art of running down and occasionally I enjoy the runners’ high. But mostly, I run because my body impresses me, my mind is silenced for a little while, and my heart is always engaged while I run. Running forces all of me to be present and I love it so much for that quality alone.

So here’s to the seven miles today and all the miles to come. May they be easy, may they be hard, but may they always be with every piece of me.

Red handled spoon in oat cereal.
Late night carb snack.

Day 116: Hold on Loosely, Time is Gonna Pass

Sunday was a rest day…time to breathe and time to be…time to clean house, do laundry, buy groceries for the week, get homework and grading done for my classes. My dad and step-mom were in so we met them for lunch. My mom got new puppies so we walked to her house to see them. They are so cute and so sweet! Then, of course, the little love came home so there was dinner and bedtime shows and books and conversations…

So after all this “resting”, I am ready to snuggle up next to my Love (I don’t think it will ever get old that I get to sleep with him every night!) and drift into the sweetest of dreams…

But this is what I’ve noticed lately, my dear readers, time never stops and life never slows down. Not because you want it to or need it to, and sure the hell not when you think it should. No matter what happens — divorce, loss of job, even death — life is the quiet marcher who continues on without fail. So it’s not so much time that we get to control, it’s our attitude toward it. Do we bemoan how it was spent? Do we fail to take advantage? Do we hold it loosely or tightly? Do we thrive or survive? I think we probably do it all in different seasons…but I ask you to ponder your relationship with time as I leave you for the dream world.

A brunette smiling in the warm glow of a bedside lamp.
Bed is Good!