Day #137: I See Hope All Around

Easter…holds so much hope for some…and for me as well…just differently…

Where some find hope in a man god who saved them…

I see hope all around in the certainty of life springing from the decay of winter…I see certainty in the promise of ordered seasons…I find comfort in the gentle life and death cycle all around that is the circle of life…

Nothing here needs saving…or defies laws…or is fantastical in story…it is simply doing what it does…

It’s birthing…
It’s blooming…
It’s growing…and alive…

I took a walk with little love and came across a small tree that bloomed completely white on one side and completely purple on the other…it reminded of the yin and yang of energy…and because my mind was already there…it reminded of death plays into life plays into death once more…and really, who gets to decide which is better?

They both serve a purpose and are necessary all across nature and science…
So today I celebrate life, too…the order of it…the purpose in it…and the beauty all around…
Maybe it is not as profound as my old Easters with a risen king and a golden heaven…
But I can see it and touch it and taste it…and that is all I need...

“Rabbit And Easter Eggs In Green Grass” by jannoon028 courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

Day 113: Pat Yourself on the Back

I dropped something on my foot yesterday and today it looks terrible. The whole top of my foot is bruised, swollen, and generally extremely painful-looking. But in actuality, it doesn’t really hurt. I rested today just to be sure there were no major injuries but I am fairly certain its bark is far worse than its bite.

I am feeling unsettled about plans and future and security. The logistics of change are much scarier to me than change its self. And I’m trying to remember that just as with my grotesque looking foot that it easy to look at something and it seem a much bigger deal than it is.

I have had a lot of change in my adult life and I have survived it all. It was always scary in the in-between but it has always worked itself out and usually to my advantage.

So here’s to bruised lives… colorful, sensitive and reflective of the active, risk taker that always chooses life. And here’s to discomfort without prolonged pain because it teaches us we are stronger than we know.

And finally, here’s to us, gentle reader, for trying at all…

A very swollen and bruised foot.

Day #91: Variety is the Spice of Life

Variety is the spice of life, don’t you think?

Today was cross training and it was nice to do something other then pound, pound, pound the pavement (or treadmill).

We picked our little love up from play practice and went and ate at a different restaurant than usual and it was really yummy.

The little love was extremely pleasant and content all evening… putting on pjs without a fuss and brushing her teeth without moping and whining. It felt the the twilight zone but in a much more awesome way.

I got into bed and contemplated the day. I am a rare bird that loves change. I see the benefits of stability, certainly; but big change does not scare me. I always think to myself, “It’ll work out; it always does.” And that has been mostly true for me. Now I wonder if it’s because I feel that way that it does OR that the fact that it does makes me feel that way. Either way, I know this, change… variety… new scenery makes me smile.

And I really love that about me…

Day #81: Comfortably the Same, Tantalizingly Different

Today was surreal. I was in Albuquerque. I lived here for two years. And Adalie happened to be born while I was here… I got to show my Love the apartments we lived in, the mall I often frequented, and introduced him to several of my friends and co-workers at a late lunch. It was fun to listen to conversations all around because several of them had moved on and everyone was catching up on the who and what and where…

cottonwood-mallIt’s incredibly grounding to see how people change and don’t change in the space of time. I have this distinct memory of my experience at this school doing this job as a team with these teachers. And in a lot of ways I have frozen pictures of this time in my brain. Frozen moments, snapshots of events, whispers of feelings that tinge my recollections. I look around at the table… at personalities that still shine through, at physical features that remain true to memory, but I see growth, too. I see depth that wasn’t there, courage showing through in who they have become, and I feel so proud of these souls who have continued to evolve… some despite… others because of… but we all showed up a delicious mixture of being comfortably the same and tantalizing differentA man in a black hat and beautiful brunette woman drinking yellow Boba tea together in a mall.

This was also my experience with some of my favorites in Albuquerque… the BLT with egg I had so adored at Flying Star… very different although not bad… the Boba Tea in the mall I was addicted to… comfortingly the same and still just as decadent.

 

Day #77: Friends and Loss Along Our Journey

Today was my last class. It’s always an odd feeling for me to walk in that last time and know I will probably not see any of these students again. The classes are only five weeks long but we spend quite a bit of time together talking about semi-personal stuff because it’s a psychology class.

As I ran this morning, I had one of the best 3 mile runs I’ve had so far. Because of that I felt some loss about not getting to run for at least the next three days due to our vacation. As much as I was looking forward to getting out of town for the weekend there was a bit of apprehension about my normal routine being changed.

When I got to class that night, I looked out at their faces that represent so many stories, so many personalities, so many thoughts and futures and lives…

It made me think on how many people have wondered in and out of my life… as an adult we endure this, probably even expect it and only when it’s someone extremely close to us or rather unexpected do we acknowledge the loss of attachments that happen. Obviously they hurt more, cut deep, and strip us of our normal.

But I feel the need to affirm that small losses are losses too. The coworker you rarely see after you switch jobs. The friends that fade away. The “gangs” you outgrow. The runs that go unscheduled. And the class you say goodbye to…

Everyone you come into contact with adds to your journey in both their entrance and their exit. And it’s okay to feel those moments…

Day #76: Time, Changes, and New Perceptions

We ran our 3.75 miles today outside because the weather was in our favor. The sun was out and the wind felt good the more sweat-soaked I became. As I ran, I thought about how when we first started running, our goal was a 5K… 3.10 miles… and it felt like SO much. Now we are cranking out 3 miles all the time but they seem so small compared to the 13.1 half-marathon we plan to run in May. It’s funny how time changes perspective…

I thought of this again as I sat cuddling my girl before bed. Tomorrow she will go to her dad’s house because I have class and then we are taking a weekend trip to go skiing. Five days without her voice, her humor, her literal brain, and her beautiful smile. It makes me sad now, but by six years old, we understand we can live without each other for a week. When she was a baby, it would have devastated us both… it’s such a trick that time plays with us…

But still, I sat there soaking in the cuddles and thinking about what six more years might do to our perceptions of who we are as individuals and as mother/daughter. Who knows really? But for today with tears threatening to spill at the thought of who we have been and who we will be, I squeeze every ounce of joy out of who we are today.

Mand women smiling wide, soaked in sweat and flush from running.

Day #57

Today I biked while cross training and walked the gym track a few times. It felt good to do something different, work different muscles, try a different routine. I felt energized and content afterwards …

Adalie doesn’t have school tomorrow so we did something different. We snuggled up in our king-size bed and watched a movie together. The three of us … snug as a bug in a rug.

Adalie loved it, as she flipped flopped back and forth between the two of us, educating us about the movie, because she had seen it before. She finally settled in and eventually fell asleep.

It was a special moment. So much love and peace in a new experience.

It made me laugh to myself how often we avoid changing our routines, our routes, our traditions. We hold on to things desperately because we don’t know if we would like it differently. And what really makes me laugh out loud is that we hold to ways, to people, to jobs, to ideas that we don’t even like because what if we change it and like it even less?!
But what if we change and it’s marvelous?

What about that?

Day #22

Today, nothing has gone quite as I had expected.

Not enough time to get ready this morning. Accidentally putting a hole in a closet door. Not being able to print tickets. Adalie getting in a fight with the lipstick and the lipstick winning. The canon blast in the Nutcracker production that about made me come out of my chair. Getting home late. Rainstorms rolling in. Adalie passing out at 7:45pm. It was a day and a series of unexpected twists and turns–and no walk in sight.

About 9pm my Love says,”I’ll stand and watch you if you want to walk down the hill to the stop sign and back. It feels amazing outside!”

The rain had stopped for a moment so I grabbed a jacket and took off. It was not amazing… it was SUPER windy and cold! Another unexpected turn of events!
But as I walked up the hill and saw him waiting for me, the warm glow of the Christmas tree in the window, the assurance of a softly snoring girl dreaming her night away, I realized this… life will throw me curve balls and lemons but I am one lucky girl who has both Husband and daughter who adore me.

And that, my friends, is all I really need.Man sittin on a tailgate with a christmas-light-emblazoned home in the background.

Day #1

puppies in truck

As we walked with leashes in hand and dogs excitedly sniffing each new trail, I thought about present living. It seems to be everywhere right now for me. I’m reading a book about mindfulness in play therapy. I’ve had friends post about it on their Facebook pages. I keep running across quotes on Pinterest. Articles keep finding there way to me. I was at a conference this week where intentional living was the key note address.

This is a topic that enthralls me because I am by nature a doer. I love the experience, live for the next adventure, and enjoy trying anything new at least once. I’m one of the rare birds who actually enjoys change. I get bored easily and find it difficult to sit still. But in all that living, I often forget to weigh down those moments with my own presence. My brain is often on to the next thing before this experience is completed.

So, as I walked today, I tried to just “be.”

Instead of letting my mind organize the rest of the day or obsess over my 10-year-plan, I looked around and allowed my senses to do my thinking for me. It is late November, so the backdrop of all the world seems brown: dead trees, dead leaves on the ground, mud everywhere due to recent rain. The sky was overcast and the gray hung like a blanket tucking in all the brown. But it’s funny when you look … you notice. The shock of white mushrooms, the delicate purple berries, and the dancing green bushes in the breeze. The weather was mild and humid with just enough breeze to kiss the skin with coolness. The birds singing, my puppies panting, my sweet husband’s voice. All brought peace and joy to my heart.

The earth was grounding under my feet, the pressure of my husband’s hand holding mine was intimate and complete. And when I let my senses do the “thinking,” I let go and, for a while, truly lived.

In the past few past few years of my adult life, I have unlearned so much (another story for another day). At this point, about all I know for certain is that I’ll die one day. I’m not afraid of dying; I’ve made peace with it being inescapable; however, I want to live. Truly live. Every day.

So my challenge to myself is to walk every day for the next 365 days with the intent to be present. My hope is that quiet time with body moving surrounded by nature will produce insightful thoughts that lead to intentional living.

I suppose I will write these down … let’s see gentle reader, where life takes us ….