Days 120-130: Spring Break and Big Decisions

It’s been a crazy mixed up world the last week or so…I went to my training and we endured a very anxious, very whiny six year old the whole time we were in Little Rock. Then we went to Magnolia to visit family for a few days…it was a roller coaster of a time due mostly to heavy decisions that needed to be made. We came back to Fort Smith and little love was off to her dad for a few days. I worked on papers and notes and cleaned her closet…and did other meaningless but entirely necessary tasks (i.e., the laundry). On Sunday, little love re-entered our world.

A run girl sleeping among a mountain of white blankets.

It was a tough day for me.

I had to tell her father that a decision had been made without him regarding his daughter. I have enough empathy in me that my heart is sad about this. Although he and I were not a good match for the long haul, I know he loves his daughter. It’s a terribly rough moment to look someone in the eye and say,”I’m taking the thing you love best…”

And here we stand in mid-step…seasons changing…confused order…beautiful chaos…

I am trying my hardest to flow and not control…I once had a friend describe these types of moments as a snow globe…it’s like being shaken and just watching all your life’s details float down around you…you hope they land well…and honestly, so far, they have…details are coming together…pleasant surprises have popped up…and love has been all around…

Purple pansies and tulips in a barrel with a watering can in the background.

It’s Sunday evening and as I walk into the house to share a meal with some of my most loved people, I notice my winter pansies dancing around my graceful spring tulips and I smile. Seasons are always changing and they are all beautiful…

 

We are moving and it’s all going to be okay.

Day #55

Today, I … kinda … ran 4 miles.

We went in the morning which is not my best time. It’s like my body hates me for waking it up. So I huffed, and puffed, and wheezed. My legs hurt, my side cramped up, and my stomach revolted on me. I walked, limped, and jogged my way through and … eventually … I finished, but it was tough.

I’m thinking of making some changes in my life … big changes. It terrifies me … I’m the kinda girl that likes certainties and always has a back up plan. I’m the kinda girl who hates to flounder and loathes failure. Because underneath it all I’m a girl who’s scared.

But what is fear and who defines failure? It makes things uncomfortable. It causes self-reflection. It can even be a bit embarrassing. But if you don’t try, you don’t know what it is to lose but neither do you taste the win.

I’m working to overcome the self-doubts. The concern of stability. The drive for easy. The fear … and I think I will … even if I have to wheeze and limp to get there.

Day #30

Adalie walked with me today while my Love was away Christmas shopping. I watched in half-amusement, half-exasperation as she tried to master the art of the scooter. She would get going and then lose her footing, and then get going and lose direction, and then get going and panic because she was going too fast, and lose her courage. It made me think of all the mental and physical energy that goes into learning a new skill.

Red and white for-sale sign in a front yard. I have many friends right now who seem to be in transition. Newly divorced, newly parented, newly moved, newly reformed. As I walked, I noticed signs of change as well… a “for sale” sign in the yard, new construction in the back… life is forever changing. Some for the good, some for the bad, and really it is only our perception that categorizes them.
But as I walked, I thought not so much about the change. Whatever it may be, the decision is often easily, if not hastily, made.

It’s creating the new normal that exhausts a soul.

Becoming a family of three with the birth of a new baby, re-identifying as a “single” after being coupled for a decade, recreating a life after a big move or loss. We often look much like Adalie on that scooter… fumbling for direction, shaky at best, and just hoping the courage does not fail us.

But something else I’ve seen over and over in my life… resilience. As we rounded the corner, she took off. Still unsteady, but confident and free… hair wild in the breeze, smile on her face, and playful squealing at the top of her voice. The mama in me wanted to call after her, “Be careful!

But I stopped myself, because life does not usually afford us that luxury, and her normal was coming along just fine…

Blonde-haired girl riding a pink-wheeled scooter in a the last light of dusk.