Day #136: Always Know How to Find Your Way Home

I left him, my ex-husband. And while on the by-and-large it has been an incredible and beautiful journey of finding myself the last few years, occasionally I mourn the simplicity of yonder days.

Holidays generally bring that out in me…especially the ones without her.

It’s Easter weekend; the holiday itself has changed for me as my perspective has changed in life. But still…I didn’t buy an Easter basket or die eggs or even get any candy this year…it feels weird. I’m not really sad or angry or hurt…it just feels off…

And so these are the quiet moments I observe the inherent difficulties of divorce with child…

But I think we all have these choices we have made…self-doubts…”what ifs”…that float around in our hearts and occasionally make it to our brains…to fester and pester our best versions of ourselves…

I ran mine off today while I ran around the track…ten miles later I was able to re-frame my “I feel sad to not share this day with her” to “I’m thankful for the many days I do share with her”…for a holiday is really just a day dressed up

I held my Mama’s hand today and told her to art it out as she worried over insecurities and unrealized dreams…

We all have the “demons” who love to come play…I think it is our obligation to our self to first know our true self and secondly know where to find yourself again…for me it’s often outside and active…for my mom it is often birthed on a canvas…

Whatever it takes, gentle readers, I urge you…be comfortable and familiar in your own soul and always know how to find your way home…

“House On The Lake” by Evgeni Dinev courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

Day #27

Today I again made no steps of my own, but I did observe many journeys of others.

The in-sync, out-of-sync rhythm of two young girls trying to figure out one of the biggest mysteries in life… how to get along.

The trudge of a down-trodden friend desperately searching for anything good in the universe and anything worthy in herself.

The march of a determined husband going to war with birdhouses (that he eventually won and did so brilliantly).

The tiptoe of the broken-hearted as she walked on eggshells with an ex-lover that is gone but not forgotten.

The dance of a lovely jazz singer with sparkles on her dress and a shine to her eyes as she bathed us in the sounds lovely Christmas carols.

I did a lot more sitting today than walking, but I sat with the journey and bore witness to others’ resilience. I was reminded today that the strong are beautiful in their weaknesses.

I was reminded today that we all have the choice to overcome or be overcome

A happy smiling woman holding a sleeping kitten.

Day #8

two people walking down a streetIt was 80 degrees today. They said we broke a record. The last day of November, the first day of Christmas decorations and it feels like Spring. It was so off…

She came home at 3pm. Five days later and she finally came home. She hid behind her dad’s legs. She refused to look at me. She came in her own home begrudgingly.

I knew it would happen; it happens every time, especially when it’s not her usual weekend only visit. I try to prepare myself before she gets here; protect myself emotionally. But it just feels wrong…

We walk, me and my family, to my mom’s around the corner. She talks and skips and dances. My Love and I hold hands. And although the edge is still on her voice and the uncertainty stays etched in her face, I feel the world righting itself again. My baby is home and a cold front is coming…

Day #4

gray-boots-in-leavesHe came and took her away from me today.

Granted, “he” is her father and this is “his” holiday per standard visitation. But it felt like he took a part of me and drove it six hours away.  I love my current life. I am a happier, freer, and more loving person since my divorce from man and establishment.

But some days…

Some days I feel heavy with losing out on so much of her childhood. Some days I hate that I miss any holidays with the child I grew to spend holidays with…

So I walk solemnly…

at first…

but before long…

the leaves tickle my toes, the sunset catches my imagination, and the playful animals scurrying about make me giggle. We have real, adult conversation, and we stroll. There are no mouths to feed, no schedules to keep, and no agenda but my own. And the road just keeps walking us along.

A lot like life…