Day #104: Some Days are Way Too Much

I am having an introverted day and even the thought of sharing my thoughts and feelings here feels like too much energy.

 
I ran another 5 miles today. Struggled through some, soared through a little. Mostly I hated the loud music in my ears but needed the tempo to keep me going. The lights in the gym were so bright and people were everywhere. It was taxing in more ways than one…

 
My little love came home from her dad’s house and said so many words in the first five minutes I thought I might completely lose it. But managed to successfully navigate her to bed without sticking socks in my ears… or her mouth

 
Another load of laundry… another dishwasher full of dishes… now to put away the laundry and take a shower…

 
Then into my blissfully dark and silent bed with my Love in his solid weight and warmth against me… and that will by far be my favorite part of this “way too much” day…

 
Good night my gentle readers…

Day #94: A Marathon of a Day

Today was a marathon of a day… pun intended…

Vibrant fruit in a mixer with milk in the bottom.We got up, ate breakfast, did a little housework, and headed to the gym…

Eight miles later… we came back home, showered, ate lunch, and left to pick up little love from play practice…

Blong girl in a blue sweater swinging and smiling, with a black and silver VW beetle in the background.We then met some friends at the park, played for a bit, and left to pick up my Love’s mother for dinner…

Next lap was a restaurant, lots of conversation, lots of trying to entertain the little one, and then we took “Ma” home…

Final stop was Walmart for the grocery basics of the week, then home, then the realization that we forgot dishwasher detergent, and so back to the Walgreens down the road…

Home again, PJs and bed time snacks, cuddled to a movie while I worked on homework and grading papers…

And we all fall down (or pass out)… it was a day filled with doing and being but honestly not much more thinking than the moment required… it was 26.2 miles kind of a day and I’m just glad to have survived it without injury…

Good night, sweet friends!

Mallards and white ducks swimming on a cloudy day with choppy water.

Day #83: Tearful Reunions and Exquisite Exhaustion

We made it home… and through the day… and for the day after coming back from vacation, that’s pretty good.

I went and had lunch with my little love because I hadn’t seen her in five days and I couldn’t wait one more minute. She didn’t know I was coming… when she walked in the cafeteria and saw me sitting there, her face lit up and her arms reached out for me before she even realized what she was doing. The pureness of wanting me was so sweet on her face that it choked me up a little. She came over to me and kept looking away… refusing to say anything initially… I thought maybe she was mad because she’s not a kid that particularly loves surprises. But as I looked closer, I saw the un-shed tears in her eyes. After getting a hold of herself, she turned around and the talking began 🙂 After not seeing me for five days, she had a lot to discuss with me.

But her prolonged pause reminded me of how I felt this day. Not really ready to jump in, not sure about how I feel, and maybe a little tearful. It was in this state of exhaustion and confusion I was able to pass out at 9:15 without a thought to anything else except the beauty of a little girl safely tucked in her bed, a pair of arms holding me tight, and my own marvelous bed.

Day #47

Just turtle…

It’s Monday after two weeks off. It’s cold out here. I’m exhausted. I’m readjusting to a job where I have to be “on” for people all day.

So I feel shell shocked by 7pm when we take a walk around the block in the dark.
I bundle up in mismatched clothes and just want to find a place to hermit.

So the lesson for today is everyone needs to be a “turtle” now and then.

Day #24

“You have to take an honest look at yourself. If you’re not okay with you then nothing will ever be enough. No girl, no amount of money, no job, no matter how far you run… your demons will chase you, your holes will consume you… and nothing will be enough to fill that void. You’ve got to look yourself in the face and do your own self work and decide you are okay with who you are, all by yourself. And when you have filled those holes, and wrestled those demons, and truly become the healthiest, most whole version of yourself– then everything becomes more than enough! Because it’s in addition to your wholeness rather than trying to make up your deficits. You can’t be truly happy until you are truly happy with you.” -Mrs. Meander

My advice to a very lost, very young soul today. And my advice to all hereafter…

As my Love and I walked the dogs this evening, I thought about my emotionally charged week so far. I thought about how I feel “a day late and a dollar short” these days. But I also thought about my present life and how I am the happiest I have ever been because I am the most authentic version of myself that I have ever allowed. And for today, I am me and that is enough.

moses-the-dog
Relaxing with a walking of Moses the yellow lab.

Venison with a Side of Exhaustion

The Mrs. wrote a short post today about relief. You can read it here, if you didn’t get here through those means.

Relief can come in different ways at times. Sometimes, it’s a relief to have fears confirmed, because at least there is closure. Other times, it’s a relief to find out there is nothing to worry about. I took a walk today, for the Mrs, and as I walked I considered the leaves under my feet, the scents in the air, and I observed the random thoughts that flooded my mind when I let down my guard.

I walked to the Mrs.’s mother’s house to fetch an armload of venison that was to be prepared for when she got home from her very long day of counseling, teaching, and foster-care interviewing. I considered the warm welcome I got when walking into “Mimi’s” home. Two smiling faces, welcoming me with cheer. Two happy dogs eager to receive my affection. Oh, and an arm-full of assorted venison.

As I departed, my heart was full with this thought: Home is a beautiful thing. It knows no geographical location, nor is it limited by any physical constraints. Home is where they love you.

The walk home was filled with thoughts of all that needed to be done. Anxieties were fully felt, and I allowed them to pass by. Again I focused on yellow tree leaves under my feet, the smell of burning wood in fireplaces, and the bite of the cold on my lips.

I acknowledged the perfection in nature.

I appreciated the work those trees did in producing that leaf that now lies dead up the blacktop. I appreciated the scent of smoke from the trees that now serve a different purpose. In those few moments, I chose also to appreciate myself and those around me.

Why? Because I’m actually alive. And in choosing to appreciate, I’m choosing to acknowledge the incredible work that goes into even one element of order in this world. One successful relationship, one completed project, one well-deserved evening of exhaustion.

And as the Mrs. and I ate our venison and veggies, we appreciated the light cast from our Christmas tree. We appreciated the savory flavors and aromas from our meal. And most of all, we appreciated the presence of a fellow world-worn sojourner.

We found life in our shared experience… of exhaustion.