Day #136: Always Know How to Find Your Way Home

I left him, my ex-husband. And while on the by-and-large it has been an incredible and beautiful journey of finding myself the last few years, occasionally I mourn the simplicity of yonder days.

Holidays generally bring that out in me…especially the ones without her.

It’s Easter weekend; the holiday itself has changed for me as my perspective has changed in life. But still…I didn’t buy an Easter basket or die eggs or even get any candy this year…it feels weird. I’m not really sad or angry or hurt…it just feels off…

And so these are the quiet moments I observe the inherent difficulties of divorce with child…

But I think we all have these choices we have made…self-doubts…”what ifs”…that float around in our hearts and occasionally make it to our brains…to fester and pester our best versions of ourselves…

I ran mine off today while I ran around the track…ten miles later I was able to re-frame my “I feel sad to not share this day with her” to “I’m thankful for the many days I do share with her”…for a holiday is really just a day dressed up

I held my Mama’s hand today and told her to art it out as she worried over insecurities and unrealized dreams…

We all have the “demons” who love to come play…I think it is our obligation to our self to first know our true self and secondly know where to find yourself again…for me it’s often outside and active…for my mom it is often birthed on a canvas…

Whatever it takes, gentle readers, I urge you…be comfortable and familiar in your own soul and always know how to find your way home…

“House On The Lake” by Evgeni Dinev courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

Venison with a Side of Exhaustion

The Mrs. wrote a short post today about relief. You can read it here, if you didn’t get here through those means.

Relief can come in different ways at times. Sometimes, it’s a relief to have fears confirmed, because at least there is closure. Other times, it’s a relief to find out there is nothing to worry about. I took a walk today, for the Mrs, and as I walked I considered the leaves under my feet, the scents in the air, and I observed the random thoughts that flooded my mind when I let down my guard.

I walked to the Mrs.’s mother’s house to fetch an armload of venison that was to be prepared for when she got home from her very long day of counseling, teaching, and foster-care interviewing. I considered the warm welcome I got when walking into “Mimi’s” home. Two smiling faces, welcoming me with cheer. Two happy dogs eager to receive my affection. Oh, and an arm-full of assorted venison.

As I departed, my heart was full with this thought: Home is a beautiful thing. It knows no geographical location, nor is it limited by any physical constraints. Home is where they love you.

The walk home was filled with thoughts of all that needed to be done. Anxieties were fully felt, and I allowed them to pass by. Again I focused on yellow tree leaves under my feet, the smell of burning wood in fireplaces, and the bite of the cold on my lips.

I acknowledged the perfection in nature.

I appreciated the work those trees did in producing that leaf that now lies dead up the blacktop. I appreciated the scent of smoke from the trees that now serve a different purpose. In those few moments, I chose also to appreciate myself and those around me.

Why? Because I’m actually alive. And in choosing to appreciate, I’m choosing to acknowledge the incredible work that goes into even one element of order in this world. One successful relationship, one completed project, one well-deserved evening of exhaustion.

And as the Mrs. and I ate our venison and veggies, we appreciated the light cast from our Christmas tree. We appreciated the savory flavors and aromas from our meal. And most of all, we appreciated the presence of a fellow world-worn sojourner.

We found life in our shared experience… of exhaustion.