Day #117: Obey the Run-Master

Today I feel like a slave to the run-master. I feel my life revolves around miles and workouts, gym clothes and hydration. I feel like I spend every day looking for GUs, headphones, hats, and clean socks. I feel hungry all the time, tired most of the time, and sore all the times in between. I feel like I am constantly reading about running, talking about running, or, you guessed it, running.

This is not entirely a bad thing. While I sometimes get overwhelmed with the technicalities of it, sometimes bored with the repetition of it, and occasionally frustrated with the difficulty of it. I always feel proud and strong and clear-headed after a good run. I sometimes feel like I’ve got the art of running down and occasionally I enjoy the runners’ high. But mostly, I run because my body impresses me, my mind is silenced for a little while, and my heart is always engaged while I run. Running forces all of me to be present and I love it so much for that quality alone.

So here’s to the seven miles today and all the miles to come. May they be easy, may they be hard, but may they always be with every piece of me.

Red handled spoon in oat cereal.
Late night carb snack.

Day #108: Running is Teaching Me to Be a Better Me

We ran 10 miles today… and I didn’t even feel like I was going to die…

It was the first time I could picture me making it to the finish line at the half-marathon with my mom and little-love waiting there to cheer me on, I felt the pride of accomplishment, the joy of relief, and could see the big, cheesy grin on my face. It felt good to visualize it, to anticipate it. It made the training, the money spent, the hours invested–worth it.

We are half way through the training and it feels good to look at myself and see strength. Running is very therapeutic for me in that it forces me to come face to face with myself on almost a daily basis. I spend a lot time in my head while I run and I have been amazed at the amount of self-doubt and irrational thinking I have found there. Every single run I have to clean house so to speak. The whining, the “I cants”, and worse, the “I don’t wanna.” The critics and the doubters like to reside up there too. Not to mention, the physical pains and difficulty breathing.

At some point in every run, no matter if three miles or ten, I want to sit down kick my feet and pound the ground with my fists, I want to cry or yell or throw something, or I just want to lay down and simply refuse to get up ever again. No lie. Every. Single. Run.

What I found in my running is I am not always a very likeable person… or particularly brave or enduring… but I find myself in those runs. I see me. It is teaching me to be mindful of my thoughts, my breathing, my bodily form. Running is teaching me to be a better me.

That’s a good enough reason for me.

Day #55

Today, I … kinda … ran 4 miles.

We went in the morning which is not my best time. It’s like my body hates me for waking it up. So I huffed, and puffed, and wheezed. My legs hurt, my side cramped up, and my stomach revolted on me. I walked, limped, and jogged my way through and … eventually … I finished, but it was tough.

I’m thinking of making some changes in my life … big changes. It terrifies me … I’m the kinda girl that likes certainties and always has a back up plan. I’m the kinda girl who hates to flounder and loathes failure. Because underneath it all I’m a girl who’s scared.

But what is fear and who defines failure? It makes things uncomfortable. It causes self-reflection. It can even be a bit embarrassing. But if you don’t try, you don’t know what it is to lose but neither do you taste the win.

I’m working to overcome the self-doubts. The concern of stability. The drive for easy. The fear … and I think I will … even if I have to wheeze and limp to get there.