Day 143 – Addicted to Intrinsic Reward

Today I sat ALL day and typed a home study for a contract job I do. My head hurt most of the day, I ate too much Easter candy while I was absently typing away and I occasionally stopped to make food for me and my Love who was outside all day working on his own project. I finally finished about dinner time. And while it was quite the epic struggle to get all done the sense of relief about having it done was equally satisfying. This is insanely true of me and my addiction to intrinsic reward.

Anyway, my body felt gross from being so inactive all day…I decided to go with my Love to set up the raised garden beds he had been building all day for someone else. It was almost dark when we got there so I told him to start leveling and I would carry all the bags of soil and compost into their backyard. Around 15 bags of 40lbs each…one bag at a time…up the small hill…onto the sidewalk…through the gate…and back again…Because I had been so still all day in front of the computer, I found myself genuinely enjoying the strain of my muscles, the sweat on my brow, the grit of my teeth…I noticed all these sensations of my body and I was thankful to be able-bodied…thankful for this body that I so often complain about but so rarely fails me…and tonight for once I just embraced my body, my muscles, my rolls, and even the cellulite for all that it can do instead of criticizing everything it’s not…

And afterwards, we went to Sonic and enjoyed a delicious root beer float…

Day #7

Today I was asked to help start a group.

A good and helpful endeavor with pleasant people that would benefit a number of others. And I cringed inside. This project is much like two other projects I helped with in my twenties. They ate me alive both times. They were all-consuming and always took more than I wanted to give… more money, more time, more resources. But I was devoted and it was for the good of all. Except for the good of me–but really, who’s counting.

As I walked today I felt stressed. I had just spent six hours cleaning the living room… one room!! I had so many more things to check off. The rest of the house needs to shine, work and grades will not get done without me, I have lists to make (elf on the shelf, Grinchmas Party next weekend, groceries for the week), and then there is the putting-away of Thanksgiving and the beauty of Christmas to display.

I walked hunched with mind racing and anxiety turning in my stomach. But I chose to walk, and as always, it worked it’s calming magic (sure there is a lot of science about wautum-colored leaveshy this helps but I prefer magic).