Day 119: Sometimes the Inner Voice is a Bitch

It’s Wednesday and I have a big weekend ahead. We are leaving tomorrow after school for Little Rock. Which means I need to get things washed and packed and bought and organized and and and…

So I went running instead. It was again cold and wet so we went to the gym. I started on the treadmill but immediately felt my calf muscles knot. I tried running through it but a mile in I was still in a lot of pain so I hopped on the track. I hobbled through the next mile but eventually the pain subsided to a dull ache. But today I figured out something very exciting, I can listen to audible books when I run!

I’m a book nerd at heart so it as beautiful to get immersed in a story (actually a rather funny memoir) while I did my laps.

She talked in the book about the demon who comes to live with us all at some point. You know that says you are never enough, you are too much of something, or you will fail…

It made me wonder when that voice started for me…I control that voice pretty well and have for as long as I can remember not because I’m awesome but because I find self-loathing unproductive. I’m rather type-A, so most things require a logical, concrete outcome for me to be too interested. But occasionally I indulge in my own inner critic. It usually sounds something like “You should eat healthier, live with less of a foot print, be a better mother.” “You could be a better therapist, spend your money wiser, be skinnier.”

Oh the list that never ends…

But really, then what, would it ever be enough for this world? This voice in my head? My own expectations? Probably not…nodefinitely not.

So again I find my self left with only me, with only this moment…six miles strong and one silly secret smile…

Woman in blue with hat pulled down over eyes and a sly smile.Blonde-colored dog curled up sleeping in a deck chair.

Day #90: Stop and Smell the Roses

One fourth of the way through this experiment. I have enjoyed getting to know myself more. I have marveled at sudden insight and struggled through posts of little importance. But not once have I not continued the journey; I still don’t know exactly where I am going but I think it’s to the center of my best version of myself… the gentler, more aware, less urgent me.

I read something yesterday that took my breath away because it describes exactly who I hope to become, the way I endeavor to live and love others. I will leave you with it and a picture of my flower that chose to bloom today. Always stop and smell the roses, gentle readers, that is one lesson I have definitely learned in the last three months.

“Beauty is being fully yourself, without being full of yourself. When you share generously of yourself, you are beautiful. When you know the beauty of yourself as you, then you know the beauty of others as themselves. You allow others to discover themselves in and through you, making no claim on them to be a certain way to satisfy your self- interest. Instead, you discover yourself through the play of being. Self and nonself complete each other, and beauty shimmers.”

Walking the Way
Robert Rosenbaum

A pink Lily displayed in a table-top vase.