Day #88: Cuddles and the Fear of Being Discarded

Today I reveled in having my little love around. She is often gone on the weekends to her dad’s house and while I understand her need for her father and agree that they should share a relationship, the selfish part of me misses her like crazy on the weekends.

Mr. Meander had to go back to Fayetteville for some new running shoes because the ones we bought Friday were too big, so he was gone a chunk of the day. We missed him terribly but set about to busy ourselves until he got home.

I took her to the indoor pool at the gym where we played mermaids and horsey and anything else her mind could dream up. We grabbed Sonic on the way home and watched “The Book of Life” together as we devoured our food (after swimming for two hours we were both pretty ravenous) and then cuddled. We colored together and talked through it all. It was an amazing day of quality time that was much needed for me and probably her too.

My biggest hope in all the world is that one day she gets how awesome she is and how much I love her. I spend so much time worried at his point that maybe I’m screwing it all up… I know every good parent feels this way but still… my greatest parenting goal is for her to always feel like she can talk to me about anything, that communication stays open no matter the age… my biggest fear as a divorced parent is that she will choose to get away from me at some point.

But today in the midst of play and cuddles, I laid down the future angst and I just enjoyed her. It felt good and without agenda, I should really try it more often.

Bearded man in black hat, sitting on couch with his arm around blonde girl, wathching television.

Day #64

Today we cross trained on the stair stepper. I went for fifteen minutes. The longest I have done that machine yet. Then I worked on arms with the heaviest weight I have done yet. Progress sings to the soul

We picked up Adalie from dance and did our usual Chick-fil-a quick dinner thing. Adalie chose to sit by Craig instead of me. She rough housed with him, she picked on him, she leaned into him throughout dinner.

My daughter is not one who attaches easily and her attachment to me is strong. So although Craig has been in her life as caregiver for about 2 1/2 years now, it has been an extremely slow process of her warming up to him … especially if I am around.

It was beautiful to get such a concrete and up-close view of progress. I watched her guard come down, her vulnerability show, her need to connect, however clumsily, come out. And I watched him effortlessly meet those needs, answer her unspoken questions, and just be present with her.

I sighed with relief and love.

So if you are working to meld families, gentle readers, take your time, be in tune, and just breathe

Progress is always right around the corner … as long as you don’t quit trying …