Day #133: Time Makes a Fool of All of Us

April Fools…sometimes I truly feel like life is one big joke…you invest so much in this space in time…and then it’s gone…

A marriage…

A child…

A job…

In living present one gives all they have to the day…and it’s beautiful and vibrant and so much more authentic that way…

But every once in a while I mourn the days gone by…the people who have walked in and out…the baby that has blossomed into girl…every so often I resent the time and energy “wasted” on ideals that didn’t pan out and loves that fizzled…and today I feel terrified at how time goes so quickly and can never be retrieved…how the next twenty will go fast than the last…

I’m incredibly thankful for this scientific miracle of my own creation…for this one opportunity to exist…to be in this space with 7 billion others at this time…but damn, does it have to be such a short stay?

So much more to do, my dear friend!

Blonde girl with victorious, clenched-fists holding a rewards card.
How fast they grow.

Day 116: Hold on Loosely, Time is Gonna Pass

Sunday was a rest day…time to breathe and time to be…time to clean house, do laundry, buy groceries for the week, get homework and grading done for my classes. My dad and step-mom were in so we met them for lunch. My mom got new puppies so we walked to her house to see them. They are so cute and so sweet! Then, of course, the little love came home so there was dinner and bedtime shows and books and conversations…

So after all this “resting”, I am ready to snuggle up next to my Love (I don’t think it will ever get old that I get to sleep with him every night!) and drift into the sweetest of dreams…

But this is what I’ve noticed lately, my dear readers, time never stops and life never slows down. Not because you want it to or need it to, and sure the hell not when you think it should. No matter what happens — divorce, loss of job, even death — life is the quiet marcher who continues on without fail. So it’s not so much time that we get to control, it’s our attitude toward it. Do we bemoan how it was spent? Do we fail to take advantage? Do we hold it loosely or tightly? Do we thrive or survive? I think we probably do it all in different seasons…but I ask you to ponder your relationship with time as I leave you for the dream world.

A brunette smiling in the warm glow of a bedside lamp.
Bed is Good!

Day 112: Feeling at Home in a Fleeting Moment

After another day of cross training while my little love was at play practice, we came home to BBQ chicken and sweet potato fries. It was a beautiful day… the first truly spring-like day this year. While eating outside at our little table on the porch, I thought of all the meals we have eaten out there in spring and summer the last couple of years. Some with a glass of wine, some with little bit pretending to be a horse, some with the company of friends, but always with contentment in my heart. That feeling of “this is right, this is home.”

Then little love asks to go for a walk so she can ride her scooter. So off we go and again, I reflect on this time last year and how she could barely operate the scooter last summer.

But some things do change with time. As I watched her charge down the road, half a block ahead of me the whole time, I thought about the saying regarding motherhood that the day’s seem to stand still but the years fly by. Here we are… another year… another spring… another moment to love.

Blonde girl with pink shirt and black pants riding her scooter off into the distance.

Day #107: The Time You Enjoy Wasting, Is Not Wasted Time

Friday… that is such an amazing word… it always fills my heart with the joy of freedom and the hope of sleeping in!

And after an intense few days of caring for the mostly-better little love, it was a slight relief to drop her at her father’s house. They had extra-special things planned this weekend so I knew she would be happy and exhausted come Sunday when she came home.

My Love and I went to the gym and ran our five miles, we took a dip in the therapy pool (warm temps feel amazing on sore muscles), we went to dinner with his parents, we came home and snuggled and read and just relaxed. It was nothing and it was amazing all rolled into one…

As we were talking to his parents about future plans… at one point his mom quietly stated, “Don’t wait till retirement to do what you love.” And I realized, while there are, of course, goals and experiences we long for, these lazy nights are perfect. Holding hands, his scent in my nose, good conversations, tangled up as we read… no matter where life takes us… us is enough… and that is both rare and amazing.

Day #106: Don’t Blink, the Present is Becoming the Past

I was abruptly woken up at 5am by a little love complaining about her tummy hurting. Initially, I was very disappointed about being awake so early on a snow day but the next thing I knew we were running for the bathroom. And that pretty well summed up the rest of my day…

Finally about 4:00pm, after medicine and a nap, her stomach seemed to stop waging war with her. For some reason as she began to feel better, she got in her head she wanted to look at pictures. So we got out the baby books (yes, plural, she is the first!). As we looked and talked and laughed and sat side by side, I felt such nostalgia but such pride too.

What once was so little now is so strong… so helpless–now screams with independence… she has developed such intelligence, creativity, and personality… she is becoming right now… learning who she is and deciding what she likes and dislikes… she is beautiful in so many vibrant ways.

But I mourn too… the squishy and the toothless grins… being able to snuggle and dress her without her opinion about either… I miss watching her learn to walk and talk… I miss the mispronounced words and the squeaky voice… I miss the littlest versions of her.

I stayed up after she was asleep and looked through hundreds of digital pictures… remembering… reliving… re-loving that girl that I have always seemed to grow, first physically and now emotionally and intellectually…

Don’t blink, gentle readers, or the present most certainly becomes the past…

A girl sleeping in a colorful bed.

Day #76: Time, Changes, and New Perceptions

We ran our 3.75 miles today outside because the weather was in our favor. The sun was out and the wind felt good the more sweat-soaked I became. As I ran, I thought about how when we first started running, our goal was a 5K… 3.10 miles… and it felt like SO much. Now we are cranking out 3 miles all the time but they seem so small compared to the 13.1 half-marathon we plan to run in May. It’s funny how time changes perspective…

I thought of this again as I sat cuddling my girl before bed. Tomorrow she will go to her dad’s house because I have class and then we are taking a weekend trip to go skiing. Five days without her voice, her humor, her literal brain, and her beautiful smile. It makes me sad now, but by six years old, we understand we can live without each other for a week. When she was a baby, it would have devastated us both… it’s such a trick that time plays with us…

But still, I sat there soaking in the cuddles and thinking about what six more years might do to our perceptions of who we are as individuals and as mother/daughter. Who knows really? But for today with tears threatening to spill at the thought of who we have been and who we will be, I squeeze every ounce of joy out of who we are today.

Mand women smiling wide, soaked in sweat and flush from running.

Day #60

“Wait for me!” I yelled to my small child’s back.

We were walking home from Mimi’s house and she had decided to run. I wanted to run but had a bag, a purse, and pants that wouldn’t stay up.

So I walked, hoping she wouldn’t get hit by a car.

And I thought, this is very symbolic of how I feel about my life lately … bogged down with stuff, ill-equipped for the moment, and half a mile behind — always.

But you know what I figured out today, dear readers?

You get there anyway. In your own time, with strong legs, and no need to struggle to breathe … you get there — and everything is just fine when you do.

Day #14

An image of a 25 mph speed-limit sign in a residental area on a cloudy day.Time is such a strange concept to me.

And finding its balance seems almost mystical to me most days. If you push too fast you often cause wrecks. Go too slow and you can miss the point of existence. It’s finding the pace that flows with, not against, this strange stream of life. So much of that is intuition oriented.

Most of us have so many voices in our ear that it’s difficult to hear our own. I encourage you today, gentle reader, as you walk, think inwardly…

What choices will create a healthier me? What do I need to do to be authentically happy? How do I practice contentment in my present while walking with intent toward my future? If no one else was around, what would I be doing with my life right now?

I’m not saying these should be impulsively acted on today, but I would consider who you are beneath the schedule, the roles, the peer pressure, and the “rules.” When you peel all that away and are left staring at your own reflection, can you live with that person? Probably.

Are you in love with that person?

I walked today in neighborhoods and dreamed possible dreams. I noticed things like speed signs and windmills, and how the world responds to changing seasons in its own time. As I walked, I hoped mightily for the wisdom of the flow and the grace to dance in this life- river.windmill

Day #7

Today I was asked to help start a group.

A good and helpful endeavor with pleasant people that would benefit a number of others. And I cringed inside. This project is much like two other projects I helped with in my twenties. They ate me alive both times. They were all-consuming and always took more than I wanted to give… more money, more time, more resources. But I was devoted and it was for the good of all. Except for the good of me–but really, who’s counting.

As I walked today I felt stressed. I had just spent six hours cleaning the living room… one room!! I had so many more things to check off. The rest of the house needs to shine, work and grades will not get done without me, I have lists to make (elf on the shelf, Grinchmas Party next weekend, groceries for the week), and then there is the putting-away of Thanksgiving and the beauty of Christmas to display.

I walked hunched with mind racing and anxiety turning in my stomach. But I chose to walk, and as always, it worked it’s calming magic (sure there is a lot of science about wautum-colored leaveshy this helps but I prefer magic).