Day 114: Kindness if Free, and Courage Can Change Your Stars

Today I ran five miles and then headed to dinner with little love. We were meeting a friend of Adalie’s who moved to Mississippi around Christmas. It’s her birthday and all she wanted was to see her friends and go watch the new live-action Cinderella.

I sat watching he movie as enthralled as the little girls. The story line was true to the original version but the twists were truly beautiful. The focus on kindness and courage was like a refreshing drink to this soul today. My life feels unsettled which often makes me grumpy and less courageous. I know it was just a movie but the principles rang true in my heart. When we choose kindness and courage, life has a way of working out, maybe even a little magically. I hold this thought like a treasure and a shield right now.

My other favorite truth that sang out from the movie was toward the very end. Cinderella was about to introduce herself to the prince as a servant girl and not the mysterious princess. She stood at the mirror and said something along the lines of “the most courageous thing we can do is stand in front of the person we love and allow them to truly see us.”

I felt my cheeks dampen with tears and my heart swelled with gratefulness for the Love I have who sees me in all ways and has chosen to love all of me. I will never get over that miracle…

I highly recommend this movie to little girls and little-girl-hearts alike. After all, who doesn’t need a reminder that kindness is always free and courage can change your stars…

A smiling, blonde girl wearing a costume crown and holding a Cinderella doll.

Days #98-101: The Struggle is Real

I have developed a catch in my back that seems to refuse to go away. It is bothering the nerves in my right leg so that when I try to exercise my entire leg goes numb.

I have also caught a nasty cold that has the pressure in my head so intense that I feel like it will surely explode and that would be preferable to how I feel.

The snow has been beautiful but plentiful on Monday, Tuesday, and now Friday and Saturday encouraging my hermit-like existence this week.

To top it all off, I took my Love to get a simple medical procedure done yesterday morning. His doctor wanted a endoscopy to see if there was a reason for his chronic acid reflux. As they were placing his second attempt at an IV, he had a vasovagal response and passed out. He fell back on the bed, his heart rate dropped, his breathing slowed, and began to jerk in a seizure-like way. We went from one nurse to five in about ten seconds and they started different things to get him stable and going again. The whole experience only lasted about a minute. Then he was awake again and they had him hooked up on oxygen and saline. But it was the longest moment of my life, thus far. I knew rationally that no one dies from passing out over a needle. But I wasn’t exactly rational in that extended moment of panic and my brain (why do brains do this?) automatically went to worse-case scenario, “What if I lose him?”

Let me be really honest about myself for a moment. I am a wanderer, a dreamer, a doer, a be-er, but I’m not a great lover. I tend to focus too much on the tasks, the to-do list, the future, the adventure, and I have learned through nature or nurture to not get too attached to anything in my life. I have moved several times in my adult life, I have changed jobs often, I have watched too many friends and lovers become strangers. Therefore, some where along the way I decided it is better just not to put too much stock in any relationship because they all seem to falter or fail. I enjoy friends and family but mostly on a pretty superficial level and I’m completely okay with how things are.

But when my Love came along, he demanded differently. He helped me go into the deepest parts of me. He gently teased out my thoughts and opinions on things. He created such an environment of safety for us that I was able to finally let my guard down completely. I love him from the best of me with all of me because I trust there will never be a day he won’t see that in me. What we have is rare and vulnerable and frighteningly everything. Our souls are intertwined as they dance through this life completely individual but always as one. I never knew the completeness of love until him.

So as my mind went to what life would be without him, I could not possibly fathom it. As I sat beside him for the next hour, his face pale, his body trembling, his voice unsure, I saw it in his eyes too.

He looked at me, tears threatening to spill over, squeezing my hand, and whispered, “You are the best person I know.”

And I whispered back, “Thank you for really knowing me.”